Trans*forming the Dialogue: There is Something About Mary (Guest Post)
Mary Haddock-Staniland is an energetic, larger than life, passionate, and out-there New Zealander. Her magnetic personality, sense of humour, infectious laugh, and extraordinary wit has made her a force to be reckoned with. Mary is a superb MC, presenter, raconteur, blogger, voice over artist, and occasional commentator on TV and radio. She is also a savvy businesswoman and something of a fixture on the Auckland social circuit. Mary is committed to championing diversity and encouraging education of matters pertaining to the LGBIT community and domestic violence.
As part of our Trans*forming the Dialogue campaign efforts to shift the conversation about trans* issues to a more positive light, we asked Mary for her take on appropriate and inappropriate questions to ask a transgender person
Do ask
If I want to discuss your gender identity experience.
Recently, I was stopped in a busy mall by a businessman in his 60s who asked if he could quickly say thanks for being a role model as he began transition. I was overjoyed to talk and offer some advice. It’s a tough road at times, but ask for help. A problem shared is a problem halved.
Where I got my clothes, jewelry or shoes, and who does my hair and makeup.
I work hard to stay healthy, eat right, exercise, maintain my appearance, and keep up with the latest trends. Lucky for you, I love to share about it all!
If you don’t know what to call me.
If you’re unsure which pronoun to use referring to me (the answer is “she” and “her” by the way) politely ask. If you accidentally use the wrong one, apologize and move on. It’s uncomfortable for everyone if there is an elephant in the room.
Don’t ask
What my “real name” is.
My birth name is associated with a person I used to be. I introduce myself to everyone as Mary and expect them to use that name to address me. However, I will also respond to “Fabulous.”
If I have had the snip or what I do in bed.
That is unless you want me to ask about the status of your genitals or the intimate details of your sex life. And darling, saying “I’m just curious” does not make asking these questions any more appropriate.
Who I am sleeping with.
Caitlyn Jenner has been asked a great deal about her sexual orientation during her transition — as if her gender identity has anything to do with who she is attracted to. I am openly, proudly, and happily married and talk about my husband, but there are always those who question my close friendships with both genders and endlessly gossip about who they think I am sleeping with. It is really a reflection of how insecure they are about their own relationships to take such a puerile interest in mine.
And finally, don’t ask why I am in the ladies bathroom.
It’s obvious, I am peeing, checking my hair and makeup, giggling with my girlfriends, or probably taking a selfie, just like you.