Encouraging Empathy: How to Teach Apologies to Children on the Autism Spectrum

Learning to apologize isn’t easy for a child. Displays of remorse involve feeling the other person’s pain and admitting that you had a hand in causing it.

For children on the autism spectrum, developing the empathy needed to offer sincere apologies may be even more challenging, according to Daniela Fazzio, PhD, BCBA-D, adjunct faculty in Simmons University’s online master’s in behavior analysis program.

“Children start learning from their parents telling them from a very young age, ‘You should go and apologize,’ and they also learn from observing others,” she said. “Young children on the spectrum don’t learn as well from naturally observing, unless they are extremely interested, by being told to do something.”

But apologies, when warranted, are a social tactic that is expected; they are effective in soothing hurt feelings and strengthening relationships. Parents, teachers, and caregivers can help children understand when an apology is appropriate and develop empathy for the feelings of others.

Fazzio offers insights from applied behavior analysis (ABA) below to help support this learning process for children on the autism spectrum.

When Are Children on the Spectrum Ready to Learn About Apologizing ?

Adults should be aware of how wide the autism spectrum is, said Fazzio. Children differ in their abilities to understand and use language, as well as recognize emotions, two essential skills for learning how to apologize. She underscored the importance of not making children say, “I am sorry” — a lot of children can learn to repeat those words somewhat easily — but to fully teach the social awareness and the feelings that ideally go with the apology. 

“There are kids who won’t understand the concepts or wouldn’t be going to a social skills lesson because they’re too young or because developmentally they’re not there yet,” Fazzio said.

A behavior analyst can help parents, teachers and caregivers assess a child’s readiness to learn about socioemotional skills and prepare lessons appropriate to their developmental stage.

What Role Do Adults Play in Teaching Apologies ?

All children need guidance in learning how to apologize. The adults in their lives can help them recognize when an apology is appropriate and which words to use. When you witness a child hurt someone else or damage another’s property, you have three options:

Which option you choose depends on several variables. Consider the child’s level of socioemotional development. They should be capable of identifying and labeling emotions and also have receptive language ability — the ability to understand spoken or written language. Ask yourself:

What are the norms of the child’s age group?

Toddlers, for example, are not expected to offer sincere apologies. But 12-year-olds are typically held accountable for their actions.

What is the severity of the harm caused?

More significant incidents, such as major damage to property, may necessitate an apology whether the child understands it or not, because this a societal expectation and demonstrates a respect for good stewardship. In this kind of scenario, the child may not build empathy, but they might learn about the importance of following the social rules that help keep our communities together.

What are the expectations of the social setting?

Following the rules established by a group is an expectation in education, work, and neighborhood settings. Some teachers, for instance, require children to apologize after making a mistake. Even if the child doesn’t understand why the apology matters, they may develop a better understanding of what it means to be part of a community with a shared space and common goals.

When possible, Fazzio believes it’s best not to prompt the apology. Prompted apologies may have more to do with “the parents’ desire that the child would fit in and that others in the community will see the child as polite or likeable,” she said. 

Sometimes prompting an apology is appropriate given the social setting or the level of harm caused. For example, if a child tears a few pages from a library book, a direct apology given to the librarian soon afterward may be appropriate.

However, children are more likely to understand why the apology matters when they have space to reflect on what happened. They can see the other person is upset and have time to connect those emotions to their own actions. Also, if the child has purposefully caused harm while acting out, the immediate moment may not present a learning opportunity because of emotional dysregulation.

Remember that teaching children about apologies is not about creating a sense of guilt. Rather, the lesson is about understanding how our own actions, both helpful and harmful, affect the people around us. When our actions harm others, an apology is an appropriate, and often expected, social skill.

How to Explain an Apology to a Child on the Autism Spectrum

Developing a sense of empathy is essential step in learning to offer sincere apologies. When a child understands how their actions make others feel, they will be more likely to understand why apologies matter. Below, learn the steps of empathy and how you can teach them to a child.

SCENARIO: Imagine you have just seen Naomi push Jordan in the lunch line, and now Jordan is crying. How can you help Naomi build a sense of empathy for Jordan and understand how an apology could help?

The first step to developing empathy is understanding what happened physically and emotionally.

TRY ASKING EXPLORATORY QUESTIONS LIKE:

Then you can help the child recognize their own emotions, pair them with appropriate words, and see the emotions of others.

TRY ASKING:

Children are not fully emotionally competent until seven or eight years old, according to Fazzio, so helping a younger child recognize emotions may be all you can do.

Next, you can gently guide the child in understanding how their actions may have caused the emotional or physical hurt.

TRY ASKING:

The purpose is not to make children feel badly but to coach them to understand how their behavior affects others in a shared environment. This helps them realize when an apology is appropriate and helpful, whether for a simple mistake (stepping on a foot) or a complex one (an emotional outburst).

If the child recognizes how they were involved in causing physical or emotional pain, you can assist them in understanding why an apology is important.

YOU COULD TRY SAYING:

Give the child the choice about whether to apologize or not. Say, “If you don’t feel like apologizing, you don’t have to. But here’s what the result could be.”

If the child is a literal communicator, they may not want to apologize because they feel their actions were justified and appropriate. Know that this is OK, and empathy is built over time. Try not to force the child to apologize. Keep working with the child so they may recognize and label their emotions and appreciate the feelings of others. Below is a guide with additional information to consider when apologizing.

A Guide to Apologizing

With insights from Fazzio, BehaviorAnalysis@Simmons developed conversation scripts that children on the autism spectrum can use as a guide for what to say when apologizing.

Before sharing this guide, adults should ensure the child is ready to practice apologizing. The child should be able to understand language, written or spoken, and recognize and label emotions.

When appropriate, an apology can help deepen relationships and create stronger, more caring communities. With practice and time, children can develop a sense of empathy for those around them.

Citation for this content: Simmons University’s online master’s in behavior analysis program.